“Stop pointing fingers and placing blame on others. Your life can only change to the degree that you accept responsibility for it.”
Steve Maraboli (Scientist and Author, Unapologetically You)
“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”
Wayne Dyer (Speaker and Author, Your Erroneous Zones)
“It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
(W.C. Fields, Comedian & Actor, Pool Sharks)
I was in a very serious relationship.
The person I was with was confident and classy.
I had worked really hard to become a priority in her life.
We hit our stride for a few years and life was great.
Then we started having problems.
Nothing big at first, just the usual little problems that creep up.
But the problems got bigger.
Our paths started to diverge.
We started having ugly arguments.
She would threaten to leave.
I would threaten to leave.
We entered this awkward ‘push-pull’ period of trying to convince each other to stay and then pushing the other to leave.
This back-and-forth went on for months.
There was a period of time within those months that I tried my hardest to fix the relationship.
I tried to get things back to the honeymoon phase.
I tried to turn back time.
But the more I tried, the less she seemed to try.
The more I made her a priority, the less she made me a priority.
To be fair, the reverse of this occurred at times too.
I remember thinking during these times, when I was really putting myself out there, that she was so selfish.
She was so obsessed with herself.
She was such a narcissist.
The truth was, she just wasn’t into me anymore.
I wasn’t a priority to her anymore and that was her decision to make.
Once I stopped blaming her and labeling her, things got better.
Once I took responsibility for myself and took action to better my situation, my life improved.
Is It Their Narcissism Or Your Self-Victimization?
Your ex-relationship partner is not a narcissist.
At least, the odds are against it.
The Journal of Clinical Psychiatry published a very large-scale, peer-reviewed scientific study of 34,653 adults and found that the prevalence of ever experiencing Narcissistic Personality Disorder was only 6.2%.
Only 6.2% over the course of a lifetime.
That means that at this moment, your ex-relationship partner is likely not a narcissist.
Instead, you’re just playing the victim.
You’re taking the easy road of labeling someone else with your words instead of doing the hard work of taking responsibility for yourself and taking action to change your life.
Look—calling other people names might make you feel better about the fact that you’re no longer a priority to them, but it’s not going to make your situation any better in the real world.
A better strategy is to take action to remove these people from your life.
If you’ve made someone else a priority and they’ve refused to do the same, get surgical.
Cut them out of your life.
Don’t call ten friends and whine about it.
Don’t complain and research personality disorders online.
Instead, take action to remove people who you’ve prioritized and who treat you like you’re only one of their options in life.
5 Things To Do Before Calling Someone A Narcissist
The key to living a self-reliant, successful, and happy life is to take responsibility for the way you handle everything that happens to you.
Someone may have done something unjust to you but that doesn’t mean you have to get stuck playing the victim.
Just because you’re not a priority to someone doesn’t make them a narcissist.
Just because someone is not a priority to you, doesn’t mean you have to be a selfish jerk.
There are absolutely people with clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorders, but the incidence of this is very rare.
So before labeling others as negative, manipulative, or narcissistic, first ask yourself, “How can I take responsibility for myself?”
Ask, “How can I change the situation with my actions, not label people with my words?”
Here are 5 things you should do to deal with a narcissist…
1. Quit begging them to confess their wrongdoing.
Any time you spend trying to hold up a mirror to show someone they’re wrong is a complete waste of time.
It’s a waste of time because no one will ever see themselves as a bad person.
Sure, they might see that they’ve made a mistake.
They might see that they’ve hurt you.
But they’ll never see that they unjustly hurt you.
They’ll never see themselves as inherently unjust.
They’ll never see themselves as evil.
Most importantly, they’ll never admit to being evil.
So let it go.
Quit wasting your time trying to get a confession.
Besides, what’s on the other end of a confession?
A few good feelings?
Sure, you might feel good that you won an argument or got someone to confess to something, but these feelings are not going to bring you close to improving your life.
These feelings aren’t going to remove a negative person from your life.
Instead, your whining and complaining is going to create more obstacles for you.
2. Expect less from them and more from yourself.
Most of the pain you will ever experience in life is due to your own mismanaged expectations.
Of course it’s going to hurt when you expect people to give you the world and they don’t deliver.
Stop expecting other people to live and die for you.
Stop expecting others to fix whatever is broken in your life.
You’re not the center of anyone’s Universe.
If you want something done, look to yourself.
If you want to feel better, look to yourself.
Quit waiting for Prince Charming or some fairy godmother to drop into your lap and solve all your problems.
They’re not coming.
3. Stop relying on them for your own happiness.
Every time you rely on someone else to make you happy, you’ll be disappointed.
No one can reach into your brain and force you to feel a sense of happiness.
They can’t experience happiness on your behalf either.
You are responsible for your own happiness.
If you’re not happy, it’s because you’re too lazy to decide to be happy.
Decisions are hard work.
Especially when life isn’t going the way you want it to.
Still, you need to find a way to decide to be happy each and every day.
Fake it before you make it and force yourself to be happy even before the happiness feelings show up.
Eventually, you’ll turn choosing happiness into a habit and that’s when your life will start to open up.
4. Realize they are not secretly working against you.
It’s easy to feel like everyone is working against you.
Like other people are secretly meeting and planning out intricate ways to keep you unhappy and unsuccessful.
The truth is, no one is holding secret meetings.
No one is plotting ways to ruin your life.
There’s no conspiracy.
Other people don’t care about you and your problems as much as you care about you and your problems.
Sure, people might care enough to listen to you complain for a few minutes.
Or their interests might be aligned enough with your interests to help you work through something.
But they won’t care enough to put your life in front of their life, nor should they.
So, quit obsessing.
Quit being needy.
Realize you are in control.
Instead of fabricating conspiracy theories and labeling other people as manipulative or narcissistic, take responsibility for yourself and take action to improve your life.
No more finger-pointing.
No more blaming others.
Just self-reliance and self-directed action.
5. If somebody doesn’t like you just the way you are, show them the door.
There are people in life who will never like you.
No matter what you do for these people, they will resent you.
They will subtly try to hijack your focus and drag you down.
They will play the part of a bully and try to control your options and actions.
They will play the victim and try to make you feel guilty.
They will poke holes in your dreams.
Forget these people.
Quit begging and pleading for them to like you.
Instead, focus on the people who already like you.
Focus on the billions of other people in the world who haven’t met you yet and might like you too.
If someone doesn’t like you exactly the way you are, drop them.
Eliminate them from your life forever.
Compromising on who you are at your core will just make others like you less anyway.
So, stop compromising.
Have enough self-respect to break things off and walk away forever.
If you want to be happy in life, stop wasting your time labeling people with personality disorders. Stop obsessing over what’s wrong with them and instead, focus on what’s right with you. Have the guts to cut people out of your life if you’re not a priority to them. Take responsibility for yourself by taking action to improve your situation, instead of just running your mouth and complaining about your situation. Do this and you’ll live a more confident and focused life. Until next time, live like a lion.
To learn more about dealing with narcissists without letting yourself become the victim, and to get instant access to exclusive training videos, case studies, insider documents, and my private online network, get on the Escape Plan wait list.